Truth is

Truth is, some days I don’t feel like getting out of bed. That’s why I love napping.

Anyone reading this should know that I have depression. And I look at it much likeĀ Churchill’s black dog.

A lot of the reason I focus so much on so many good things is because it’s what keeps me going when things get bad. And bad they get. There’s days where it follows me to and from class, down the streets, up and down stairs, to breakfast, lunch, dinner, everywhere. It shuts me down and sucks the life out of everything.

It invades everything, from everyday conversations, to my favorite songs, to watching the sun set, doing homework, parties, dances, running, singing, even laughing. Especially laughing.

Truth is I’m an actor. Quite possibly one of the truest statements I’ve ever heard is that sometimes the person who laughs the loudest is covering their own sadness. I am this person. When I don’t feel happy, I put on a smile and tell the world everything is hunky dory. I laugh so hard I cry, just to de-stress and enjoy the moment. I goof around, do stupid things, and say even stupider things, because if I can make people laugh, then I’m at least doing something good.

For the same reason I love giving service. It means I’m useful and needed.

I often feel alone. In fact, probably my biggest fear is being alone. Not by myself. Alone. Understand that there’s a difference.

But I know I’m not. And I know I’m not the only one who feels like this. And so I work my tail off to tell the people going through the nightmares I do that things will be okay. That there’s hope. That there’s a silver lining. That they’re needed and loved. Everyone needs to hear that. Not a single human being on this planet doesn’t need love. And I’m not talking 60’s-style promiscuity “love”. I mean the kind of love that makes the human race truly great. The kind of love that sets aside selfishness and reaches out to help someone in need.

We are not alone in this journey. We may feel it. We may think it. But we don’t have to make that our reality.

We have friends. We have family. We have people who would give their lives for us, and on a daily basis, do, whether or not they even know us. Soldiers, policemen, firefighters. And above and beyond that, we have a Father who knows and loves us, and who is perfect. And who has promised that He will not leave us comfortless.

And so it is that in moments like this, when for absolutely no reason I felt like crying myself to sleep, that feeling is replaced by the hope that tomorrow will be better, and that I can learn to live with this black dog by my side. I’ve done it before.

It’s not easy. But it’s worth it.

Press on. Push along.
Like soldiers, march on.

One thought on “Truth is”

  1. Mark,
    I'm with you there. I recently realized that when Ether 12:27 talks about our weaknesses becoming strong, that it doesn't necessarily mean they will go away (took me long enough!). For me, it has meant that when I turn to the Lord (that being humble stuff it also talks about) that my weaknesses–that “hello darkness, my old friend” have helped me serve others better, love others better, be a better person than I would have been otherwise. My weakness is my strength, even though today I'm not feeling it.
    I love you. Thank you for sharing parts of your soul with the world.
    Aunt Karen

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